Hero

They didn’t tell me

The hero of my story 

Would have black hair

Brown eyes

A sharp nose

And a cupids bow.. 

I thought they would be strong

And kind and smart

And listen to my heart 

And understand why I didn’t cry

And how terrible the pain was

When the tears fell

My love is fair with  brown small eyes

Snub nose 

And no cupids bow

His hair is pepper and salt

And never was the shining night

He is strong… As am i

He is kind… As I am

He is smart… And so am i

Does he understand my tears.. 

Or my lack of

He tries to… 

I grant him that

But his wounds hurt him more than mine

And I am sure it is the same for me

So not my hero… Not my savior 

Not my knight

But I wield power and magic 

Same as everyone else 

They forgot to tell me

But my hero is me 

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Butterflies

I like to believe Butterflies are a good sign. A sign things are going my way. 

The interesting thing is… I see them everywhere. 

The question is what do I think when I see them… What is the message I believe I am getting? 

Only butterflies are free.. 

On wings of spun gossamer 

Colors bright and bold

Some just a waft of yellow

Others of tawny gold

Always in the light

And yet sometimes

I find one on the darkest nights 

Fluttering valiantly 

Against the glass

Even though it cannot see

Once it’s in the dark 

Butterflies are free

So is the soul in me 

Why do I forget? 

Why do I forget… 

How the feel of pen on paper makes me feel. 

Why do I forget… 

The joy of creating something 

Why do I forget… 

To give myself time and space without guilt 

Why do I forget… 

To be me

Why do I forget…

I am not responsible for everything 

I am not that special that the weight of the world rests solely on my shoulders 

Why do I forget… 

Behind anger is always pain

Why do I forget… 

To listen to and love my body

Why do I forget..  

That I don’t want to forget. 

Enough

It’s a sad story told over time.

Lovers meet, its wonderful. They face the odds together, overcome them and then settle down with the intent of having the most wonderful time together.

Then life gets in the way, one partner gets hardened as they try to accommodate the other. The thing is one doesn’t know which one. Maybe they both are getting hard and distrustful of the other. Believing they are doing their best and the other one doesn’t see it.

Believing that they are making the space for the other to be entirely themselves. But forgetting to be themselves around the other. Getting resentful of the other, angry with the other. As they slowly forget who they are, and all that is left is love and anger.

Telling themselves they need to protect the other, and not seeing how the other protects them.

Somewhere they forget to see the stars and can only see the dark sky.

And the thing is… it comes out of love. It comes out of wanting to do everything to take care of the other. Until you find you cannot, or that what you have is not what the other needs.

Then the resentment builds. Each feels the other does not understand. They get so busy defending themselves from the attacks they perceive. And it gets louder and harder as they scream in frustration, silently begging for the other to see their pain and relieve them from it.

Waiting for the other to say, “You are enough.”

Starting the Year of Renewal

So being inspired by Gretchen Rubin’s project on happiness… I decided to do one myself… Though on a much smaller scale.

This month is simple. Focus on adequate sleep and good sleep.

For me that has meant giving up any evening caffeine. And nicotine.

It has made a difference. I sleep much better and wake up at 5 A. M. Refreshed.

I could not achieve this even on whole weekends spent sleeping in till 10 A.M. or if it had been a really hard week.. Till noon.

Also I have started a form of meditation called Heartfulness Meditation.

It is really simple and doesn’t ask me to do anything complicated. And it works for me.

I have upset a few people with my decision to quit the SGI. But I am at peace with my choice and the choice to try this form of meditation. 

All in all… My life is going to be led by one primary question and one main agenda this year.

The agenda is to be more mindful and present to every moment.

The question is ‘Am I having fun?’

If the answer to that question is No. Then I need to step back and recalibrate myself in the direction of happiness. Make new choices and hold new perspectives.

And make sure I sleep enough to remember these intentions! 😉

Slowing Down

Have put myself on a challenge for this coming week…
To Slow Down.
What will this mean for me?
To take my time with my food, with a sip of water, the speed with which I read or type, my yoga, walking..
To pay attention to the gaps in sounds and between words, that little pause before I hit the next key on my phone or computer.
It is going to be a novel experience as usually I am trying to cram as much into my day as possible…
Which involves a lot of speed.
I even talk so fast people find it difficult to understand me at times.
My mom says it is cause I am trying to keep up with my thinking..
Instead I am going to slow down so that I can actually sense what I am thinking..
Here is to a new way of life.

One limiting belief at a time…

Still working on self honesty and self-compassion..
And have realised that if I am to make any lasting changes..
I have to distill everything and arrive at a limiting belief and focus on just making peace with that limiting belief and changing it peacefully..
Instead of attacking it.. and thus myself..
I read somewhere that we keep talling about releasing anger, fear, sorrow etc..
But that might not be that effective as that still comes from a place where these emotions are separate from our self or spirit..
Rather than actually part of it
I know my animals feel anger, sorry, guilt etc..
They don’t separate themselves from it. They feel it intensely and then.. let it go.
That emotion is for the moment and then its gone.
The animal will probably take away a lesson from that, like ‘stealing a human’s breakfast isn’t the smartest thing to do…’ or ‘I guess I should stay away from the horses else I will get kicked by them’ or ‘test strength of branch before jumping onto it’.. that kind of thing..
They literally create a line of programming and act on it.
No ego involved, no mess involved. And they are free to get right back into feeling happy and playful.
So yes.. that is a good indication that these emotions are part of us.. and we need to accept and acknowledge them.
They should not be a cause of shame.

I am reading Brene Brown’s book called Daring Greatly.

Where she draws a distinction between guilt and shame.
And shows how shame can be paralysing, debilitating and prevent us from being what we want to be.
And I have been listening to my shame talk..
What we think should motivate us.. using shame as a whip to our quarters to move faster and further..
Is leaving us scarred and scared.
So am working with that..

This week’s and possibly month’s limiting belief is about the world being out to get me.. or “nothing ever goes my way because that person.. let me down/is unethical/ can’t be trusted…” yada yada

A huge cause of separation between myself and the Universe. One that my ego uses to justify shutting the world out.. to explode in rage.. to make itself ‘better than’ someone or something else.

Wish me luck.. this one is a big one to make peace with..

But when I do.. it will bring more peace to me. 🙂