I had a happy childhood. I read a lot, a lot, a lot. And I guess that kept me out of trouble as well as away from undesirable influences.
And I had a very varied selection.
Enid Blyton, Agatha Christie, the Bhagavad Gita, the Bible stories, Greek Mythology, science fiction, The William Series, Asterix Comics, Tintin, Marvel and DC Comics, Short stories and myths from around the world, fairy tales from everywhere, Honorable Mention: The Harry Potter Series. 😉
I assume, at that time with the world and society yet to groom me and put ideas into my head, I had a very active imagination.
And I used to see possibility and good in almost all things.
Then somewhere, something went awry…
That same imagination got used for anticipating the worst, to see sadness and pain as a measuring factor of a person’s life. To see limitations where I could have seen possibilities. To see everything in black and white and become prejudiced and yet suffer from insecurity.
I used to write poetry, and sketch and dance as a child. Sing with my whole heart. And smile like I was shining.
And somewhere along the way, my eyes became sad, my voice became harsh, my smile started to vanish, and I stopped creating and doing things, that I considered ‘childish and flippant’.
I wanted to be taken seriously as a person, so I lost myself in trying to fit an image that was not mine.
I did the work, said the politically correct things, took the conventional paths, sneered at those who were different, all the while keeping myself aloof from others, for fear that I would not be enough.
Once, I started living more intuitively, I started realizing how pointless most of what I thought was. It didn’t fit me… It may have been the latest fashion, but it did not work for me. So I started just letting go of a lot of beliefs about myself and people. So here is what I have noticed…. Physically, my shoulders no longer hurt, I do not wake up hating the world, I actually enjoy yoga and exercise now..
Mentally, am a lot more clear-headed and focused. Am able to stop being thrown off schedule at the slightest moment’s notice.
Emotionally, I am happy. I am content. And I get angry, but I do not carry that anger with me anymore.
While these are clear indications that how I am living is good for me, I will be honest, I have no idea if I have escaped my prior, harder way of living, or an still crawling my way out of it.
But I was singing yesterday, all the way home, oblivious to anything.
Probably off-tune, probably badly, and I possibly got all the words wrong.
But I was happy, I smiled at the world outside the car window, said a small prayer of blessing for everyone and everything in this world.
And I sat back in the seat as the dusk got darker.
And a little star, which I had forgotten about.. the one I am convinced is looking after me.
It winked at me.
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