I actually gave in my resignation on the 18th itself.
The time felt right and everything just fell into place.
I did not have to explain much. I just said I am thinking of moving elsewhere, and have always wanted to work in Mumbai (which is true.)
But the thing is.. it was a half truth… I am not leaving because I want to chase down a job in Mumbai.
I am leaving because where I am is not aligned and resonating with my soul and spirit. This place was necessary for a time. I am grateful for the time and what all I have learnt here, and received from here.
But I have outgrown it. (Unfortunately, you cannot tell a boss that… “Well, this has been great, but time for me to move on now, I am feeling stifled in this…”)
I am serving out my month’s notice now, and I am taking the month to put into practice “May Cause Miracles” by Gabrielle Bernstein.
I was tempted not to pick up the book, because as she said… She was a party girl.. And I will be honest, I was pretty judgmental about party girls. And am still working on it. I won’t go out of my way to look down my nose at them, but usually shrug my shoulders and turn my focus onto something else.
But I guess it goes to show, that I have a lot to learn, and luckily I am still able to make the effort.
Because one of the things she spoke about in her other book, “Add more ~ing to your life” she spoke about “Ego Backlash”. How when you are doing well on your journey to completeness, you can get derailed in unexpected ways. So here I had my “A-HA”! moment.
To be honest, even my Buddhist Practice talks about “devilish functions” that will seek to throw the wanderer off his path in sneaky, evil ways. But lately, it has been feeling more religious and not spiritual. But that can also be attributed, to the recent amount of turmoil around religion in my country, and I am unconsciously labeling anything that has a following and insists on anything… be it the chanting or the meetings, as a sign that it is a rigid framework destined to keep people trapped. (that is a topic to be discussed later..) Again, my false self aka ego trying to stop me from doing what is good for me and bad for it.
I had been coasting, I had been on a good, high “life-condition” for a while, and then when I started to slip a bit, I didn’t pull my socks up and get to work. Yes, Happiness is Work. But it is worth it. (I should get this tattooed somewhere so I don’t forget again.) And since I had been ignoring my Buddhist Practice too, it was a good wake-up call that I needed to get things together.
After putting it off for a few days I came to realize last night, after a bad case of the blues, that I needed to get moving and start implementing the book.
The Exercises for the first day is to deal with Fear.
I have been noticing a lot of fear in me. And I think keeping myself in this static position for so long.. has led me to a place where now I am ready to face all of them and see them for the vain imaginings of my false ego.
My Mission for the day, is to just observe all the fears in me and what triggers them off and what feelings accompany me. I swear that some of them are BIZARRO!!
Just a couple I shall share…
I am scared of icebergs.
Not the cute tip that you see but the idea of that entire 2/3rds that cannot be seen. The thought of something that big, and potentially dangerous and unpredictable.. scares the hell out of me. I imagine a diver getting trapped under it and the mournful silence of the sea around him for company as he slowly freezes to death… It is at this point I should mention… The only icebergs I have seen are on TV. I haven’t been anywhere near one.
Where did this random fear come from?????
Another thing that scares me… Shopping and salespeople.
Sometimes I carry around a underlying belief, which I may have forgotten about, (like how you plug in earphones and listen to music, but after a time you only hear the music and forget that its on earphones? They are still there, you are just not really aware of it.) that I will not find anything I like, nothing suits me, and that the salespeople are not interested in helping me, but are looking to make a sale and an ass out of me, What do they care if I look like I jumped out of MAD Magazine…
Actually come to think of it… I think a huge fear is that the world will make an ass out of me, make a fool out of me, lead me by the nose…
And that leads to fear of salespeople, not dancing when I want to, not talking to people at places, not trusting, not taking chances, looking at the world with a prejudicial eye… Whew… long list of problems, one little fear.
Well, I am not focusing on what to do about my fears this week, but just to locate and see what is really in my head. Kind of like cleaning out the attic and opening the old trunks to really look into them, rather than just pushing more junk in and hoisting them back among the spiderwebs.
Already some of the fears that have tumbled out are making me laugh.
One is that I am 27 and that means that my body will create no more brain cells and it is all downhill from here. With each day I have less brain. I had read research years ago as a child, that your body stop making new brain cells by the time you are 18, that is your max limit and after that they die…
Intelligence is a big thing in my family, so ya, I panicked at the idea of losing brain cells…. But Hurrah!!!!! Just last week I read about new research that shows that brain cells are and can be created late in life.
But considering that I have carried this belief for a while, it will take some time to go.
I remember being so scared about losing my brain cells, that I try to stop every sneeze, by every way possible, even if it was a one of those explosive ones that will not be contained… (hmmm… ya, that was me… weird as could be). I had read that if you sneeze, you kill off brain cells from the force…(Blame the half-hack science journals back then, I think they were more absurdity than science, but what does a 10 year old know really… It said Science, so it was taken as Science.)
I wonder how many more strange habits I have picked up which have their basis in irrational fear… Well, I am on a journey to find out and to release these fears into the light of day.
This promises to be an interesting journey.