Woke up and found I could not move this morning.
I stayed in bed till the last minute possible and then dragged myself out.
Missed my Yoga and Workout and generally feel guilty about it.
I love physical activity. I love how I feel after.
But I guess, I have been hard on myself about my body lately. And about a lot of other things too.
Here is how it started:
My husband (who is great fun and amazing, but sometimes dense as a brick) jokingly told me that one of our friend’s had asked whether there was “Good news on the way”.
He tried to cover it up saying that, it was because I have been glowing lately.
Honestly, I am in great form. Am stronger than I have been in years, more flexible, lot more energy, my arms and legs are ripped.
But my abs and stomach… that is another story.
I will be honest, it doesn’t bother me (much) most days.
I listen to my body and follow my intuition about it. Have lost a lot of weight all over, in a balanced way.
I eat much healthier and am happier.
But it took this one statement to send me spiraling out.
And I started the negative self-talk “You aren’t 16 anymore.” “Give it up, just go have a baby, so that then you have a reason to justify why you look the way you do.” “It is never going to happen” “You are a waste of space.”
Anyway, I decided to put my focus into being more mindful instead. Watch the negative talk, just observe and accept it and let it flow though and out me.
Once I was done with the negative talk about my body, I got clear insight.
I am storing weight about my middle as protection, My body believes I am under threat, as I have a lot of fear in me.
Once I dug this up.. my mind went into hyper-drive, pointing out gleefully how I was letting fear run the show and that I was losing my spunk and what a loser I am.
Kept working at it. As you might know from a prior post, am reading the “The Power Of Now“. And I started my Chanting again. And I am meditating and bringing a lot of mindfulness into my day. And of course, Yoga and am doing the course in the book, “May Cause Miracles”.
I keep finding that my Buddhist Practice is essentially LOA in an esoteric package, and LOA is Buddhism (and the words of Christ, and the Vendanta Philosophy and Rumi and etc etc) is more modern packaging. They say that the Spiritual Teachers all spoke the same lessons, but they spoke them differently depending on the place and the time.
It is my belief, that they all spoke of Love and Compassion and Gratitude, and all held that we are Perfect as we are, just are caught up in a big illusion that prevents us from seeing our radiance.
Finally last night, I had a date night with myself, or actually the Universe orchestrated it.
Was meant to meet a friend, but she got a little delayed, so I had an hour to myself, which I spent reading the “Power Of Now” with a glass of Sangria by my side.
I used to take time out for myself like that a lot, had forgotten how good it felt.
And I realized all the small ways my fear had been over-riding my life. How I was starting to feel lost in all of it. When my friend got there and we talked, I came to the realization that it is time for me to do something on my own.
My life at the farm is beautiful, but with everything being taken care of by someone or something, there is really nothing for me to do. I have become a accepted and acknowledged fixture around the place, which is great… but my being there or not makes no difference to the farm. And I had been unconsciously sinking into this role defined for me… which is not in resonance with what is really me, what my soul wants to do.
And with time, and getting too comfortable, I was starting to feel fear of change. Fear that Change is hard, I won’t be able to manage, that I will be found out for a fraud, that I am helpless. Fear of moving in the pursuit of finding something that resonates with me, fear of being on my own, fear that I will be an easy target for a nasty mean world.
A lot of anger came pouring out, my ego wanting to lash out at someone or something, and to blame someone for it.
I just kept acknowledging it. Just allowed it to be and flow.
Woke up today, and though my body felt heavy, I was feeling happier. The anger was gone. And a large part of the fear too.
Today is Day 5 in the “May Cause Miracles” book. The lesson of the day is Forgiveness.
I have to forgive myself for choosing fear. And choose love instead.
I almost cried when I saw that page. After the hard night and all the beating I have been giving myself, this was what I needed to hear.
Am still having a bit of an unbalanced morning. Now that my false self aka ego is being shown up in the light for the fraud it is, it is trying to find new ways of fighting back. Am having trouble keeping focused, and suddenly feel sleepy, and generally not too great.
But I keep telling myself, I love myself and I choose Love over Fear.
I am making a conscious choice to see myself as Perfect in the eyes of the Universe, I am exactly where I am meant to be. If I had not discovered this in myself, I would not be making such progress.
And it all started with someone asking “Any good news on the way?”
Yes, there is Good News. I am reclaiming my self, I am reclaiming my Divine Presence and My Soul.