Learning to trust my emotions enough to actually feel them

One thing that has been cropping up a lot lately, is anger and fear.

And now that I meditate a lot, I can practically see the sneaky thoughts that trigger off anger and fear.

It makes it less likely that I will act upon them.. but then, this isn’t about just the thoughts..

I realize now, that I have spent years, just denying my emotions.

Not allowing myself to actually and entirely own my anger and fear.

Instead using ‘logical’ reasons to justify why I should not feel that… usually the logical reasons involve some form of saying, “I am not good enough, if I feel my emotions, it will bother others, I will mess up everything by feeling my anger/pain/sadness etc.etc… poker face, don’t let other people see you.. for that don’t see yourself, don’t accept the anger, don’t accept the negativity…”

I swear working at being happy is too hard at times… because more often than not, instead of working through my emotions, I am trying to override them and force myself to be happy.

Inherently I know I am a happy person, a very happy person.

But now that I am coming out of a bout of being unwell and ill and with my medications throwing me all over the place…(meaning I want to curl up on the floor and howl, or start throwing things, rant at people and situations, and so on… you get the idea…)

My grandmother tells me that as a kid, every time it looked like I was going to get angry, someone or the other told me ‘don’t get angry, what right do you have to be angry about…” or something like that…

So I would walk away.. and hold it in.

Then she would find me facing a wall, thumping my forehead on it…. HARD… think brain numbing, ears ringing hard.

Essentially I was taking the anger and pain from inside and turning it into a more physical form…

Unfortunately… most of us are not taught how to handle our emotions effectively. Most of us are taught to shut up, clam down and forget about it.

Not that easy. I usually find that it blows up somehow anyway… possibly worse as you have been bottling it up so long, that it can take a small thing to set you off.

I am starting a new habit today.

I am trusting myself enough to actually feel my emotions. All of them, and entirely.

I suspect I am going to be spending a lot of time alone, while I get used to this… and I have no idea what lies on the road ahead.

But I am done hiding.. from others and well as from myself.

I am giving myself permission to FEEL the anger, the sadness, the joy, the fear, the disgust…everything. Without judging it.

These are all there for a reason. And maybe if I listen to them, I will find the reasons…

And beyond the reasons, I will find myself.