Habits

Slowing Down

Posted on by strongernow

Have put myself on a challenge for this coming week…
To Slow Down.
What will this mean for me?
To take my time with my food, with a sip of water, the speed with which I read or type, my yoga, walking..
To pay attention to the gaps in sounds and between words, that little pause before I hit the next key on my phone or computer.
It is going to be a novel experience as usually I am trying to cram as much into my day as possible…
Which involves a lot of speed.
I even talk so fast people find it difficult to understand me at times.
My mom says it is cause I am trying to keep up with my thinking..
Instead I am going to slow down so that I can actually sense what I am thinking..
Here is to a new way of life.

Zen and the way of the pen

Posted on by strongernow

I don’t claim to be a master of zen.. at the very best.. I am good at sitting in one place for a while.. what my mind is upto during that.. is any body’s guess.
However one of the ways I find peace and a remote resemblance of zen is when I write.
I write the old fashioned way… pen and paper. And I do it everyday..not because it is a habit.. but more of a need.
I write as when my pen glides over the crisp clean paper.. I feel free. The world is found in the dots over the i’s and the flourish as I cross my t’s.
As I write my lines get neater and slower. The frenzied start slowing to a gentle flow. There is a rhythm when I write..the pen is but an extension of my breath..
Pens and diaries. My family laughs at my obsession with them. I actually avoid that section at stores else I am helpless to resist.. walking out with new stationery when I still have so much at home just waiting to be given their chance to live.
Yes.. I find life in writing. In the flow over the pages.. as the white gets covered in blue.. when the gaps between the letters create meaning.
I find myself when I write. And I lose myself when I write.
So I ask.. is that what zen tries to achieve? Is my way the one of the pen and the paper?

Becoming a story teller

Posted on by strongernow

I have been spending more and more time, rediscovering myths and stories.

Am currently watching Mythic Journeys and it is bringing back the magic that seemed to follow me around as a child.

This may sound strange coming from a person who till recently was so logic-oriented that I could have passed for a droid.

But I am living and breathing and I love myths and stories.

The more I am letting go of ‘conventional logic’… the happier I am.

The more I am letting go of ‘exact truths’ and instead am happy for metaphors, for allowing space for more to happen and more to be.

I have rediscovered the power of stories. The ones in books and the ones I tell myself.

I have been spending time, transmuting my stories.

Releasing the ones I have been holding onto, the ones where I am a ‘martyr’ and my inner qualities are of righteous suffering and insufferable resentment towards others, who I wanted to blame for my suffering. I used to take pride in my greater position in comparison to them, how much more evolved I was, how much more mature…

What a bunch of crock!!!

I don’t want my story to be one of suffering, no matter how noble it might sound. I don’t want my story to be one of separation, where I am condescending and judgmental.

Now, if I do anything for anyone, I want it to be from a place of abundance and genuine love for them. Not just another medal for being ‘good’.

And I want my story to be one of strength and love. Of finding joy. Of looking at life as an adventure and a challenge, rather than one of long suffering and silent endurance.

I want my life to be one of light, I want my story to be along the lines of the myths, of a life well lived and well ended.

I want my story to be one of abiding loving relationships, and new bold amazing experiences. Where with each challenge I grow, rather than endure.

And more than anything, I want to live, such that when I look back, my life does feel like a fairy tale, of wonders and triumphs.

My life is a story of each moment, strung together till it forms a seemingly unbroken line.

But more than anything, I shall make a choice, to make each and every moment, a story of the light.  Where I choose love over fear… a few moments at a time, one after the other, and tie them together to make a story of a lifetime.

Diagnosis and Freedom

Posted on by strongernow

Got my thyroid tests back today. I have sub-clinical hypothyroidism.

I had the same diagnosis a year and a half ago, but I chose to ignore that.

Instead I changed my diet, (I follow the Primal Diet) and to work out and to just push through the symptoms.

I love the primal diet, I lost the weight that had sneaked up on me over the years, (and all the bad eating and drinking habits), I have way more energy, I feel great.

But I didn’t still feel like myself. I still had fuzzy days and strange lapses in memory, and irritability.

Cut to now.

I still have Sub-Clinical Hypothyroidism. I mean, my TSH levels are lower than a year and a half ago, but are over the healthy spectrum.

And this time, I am not turning on my body for letting me down.

Yes, I live a healthy life, I eat right, I work out, I do everything.

But the one thing I do wrong, and have done wrong for years is to turn on myself, whenever I feel my body is letting me down. Like its a prized piece of machinery, that should always be on the go, and never break down or need servicing.

After over a month of being ill, and feeling like a pill-box, one would have thought that getting this diagnosis would be the last straw.

But it’s a liberation instead. I feel free.

I feel compassion for this body of mine, which takes me through my days and my life.

This body, which supports me everyday and all the time, even when I am not treating it right.

When I would be angry, I would run, or workout, until the physical pain drowned out the emotional pain.

When deadlines were near, and things had to be done, I would abuse it with way too much coffee and nicotine.

Spent too many nights trying to deal with insomnia and sleep apnea by putting down too much wine, than needed. Overloaded on the pizzas and the fast foods during exam time and when I was too lazy to cook.

My body has taken me through all of it. Without meaning to, by just taking it for granted and expecting it to never let me down, I let my body down.

It’s ironic… I used to spend so much time feeling taken for granted by other people, feeling the pressure of always succeeding, never letting them down… I didn’t realize I was treating my body the way I felt was being treated by others…

But this has been an eye-opener. I need to treat myself better. I need to be good to myself and kind to my body. Appreciative of my body and what all it does for me. Appreciation for the gift I have in my body.

Am hopeful about what is to come. I will have to take medication, but if in taking a tablet or two a day, I find myself again, where I am feeling like I am content and complete in myself again, then it is something I am happy with. If this is what I need to honor my body, this is what my body needs from me, then I will give it happily and joyfully.

I need someone to remind me to log in.

Posted on by strongernow

The last month has been full of aches and pains and medications.

And considering that I usually make it a point to be grateful anyway, about being healthy.

I feel a little cheated.

I haven’t been on wordpress either, which always makes me happy.

But I guess, I have taken the time out to work through a lot of nasty, deep-seated limiting beliefs.

Am going to try and be more regular on wordpress.

If I go missing in action again, someone please please remind me to log in and write!!!!!

Learning to trust my emotions enough to actually feel them

Posted on by strongernow

One thing that has been cropping up a lot lately, is anger and fear.

And now that I meditate a lot, I can practically see the sneaky thoughts that trigger off anger and fear.

It makes it less likely that I will act upon them.. but then, this isn’t about just the thoughts..

I realize now, that I have spent years, just denying my emotions.

Not allowing myself to actually and entirely own my anger and fear.

Instead using ‘logical’ reasons to justify why I should not feel that… usually the logical reasons involve some form of saying, “I am not good enough, if I feel my emotions, it will bother others, I will mess up everything by feeling my anger/pain/sadness etc.etc… poker face, don’t let other people see you.. for that don’t see yourself, don’t accept the anger, don’t accept the negativity…”

I swear working at being happy is too hard at times… because more often than not, instead of working through my emotions, I am trying to override them and force myself to be happy.

Inherently I know I am a happy person, a very happy person.

But now that I am coming out of a bout of being unwell and ill and with my medications throwing me all over the place…(meaning I want to curl up on the floor and howl, or start throwing things, rant at people and situations, and so on… you get the idea…)

My grandmother tells me that as a kid, every time it looked like I was going to get angry, someone or the other told me ‘don’t get angry, what right do you have to be angry about…” or something like that…

So I would walk away.. and hold it in.

Then she would find me facing a wall, thumping my forehead on it…. HARD… think brain numbing, ears ringing hard.

Essentially I was taking the anger and pain from inside and turning it into a more physical form…

Unfortunately… most of us are not taught how to handle our emotions effectively. Most of us are taught to shut up, clam down and forget about it.

Not that easy. I usually find that it blows up somehow anyway… possibly worse as you have been bottling it up so long, that it can take a small thing to set you off.

I am starting a new habit today.

I am trusting myself enough to actually feel my emotions. All of them, and entirely.

I suspect I am going to be spending a lot of time alone, while I get used to this… and I have no idea what lies on the road ahead.

But I am done hiding.. from others and well as from myself.

I am giving myself permission to FEEL the anger, the sadness, the joy, the fear, the disgust…everything. Without judging it.

These are all there for a reason. And maybe if I listen to them, I will find the reasons…

And beyond the reasons, I will find myself.

Identifying Myself Through My Values

Posted on by strongernow

So am doing a course on being a more resilient person, or more accurately trying to dissect what makes up a resilient person.

One of the primary things is to identify and work with your cores values.

So here goes:

1. Abundance and Generosity

2. Family and Joy

3. Passion

4. Fun

5. Honesty

6. Being Open Minded/ Expansive Life Condition

7. Travel/ Adventure

8. Cleanliness and Order

9. Logic

10. Balance and Serenity

11. Dedication

12. Doing Good Work

13. Commitment

14. Humor

15. Kindness and Compassion

16. Courage and Strength

17. Love

18. Discipline and Determination

19. Clarity and Capability

20. Concentration and Focus

21. Guidance and Surrender

22. Imagination and Creativity

23. Intuition

24. Learning and Change

25. Solitude and Introspection

26. Vitality and Vivacity

Some of these might actually seem to contradict each other, however I believe people are like diamonds, we all have a lot of facets. Thus, depending on the role I need to play, I will be pulling on that value for it. Some I think of as pairs, as you can see from the list. For me there is no separation between them and they enrich each other.

I like the idea of having a clear idea of my Values, it will help me be more true to who I am. It will work as a Guiding Hand and Force and allow me to live a more authentic life.

What are the values that you will be choosing to express in your life?

A few days to myself

Posted on by strongernow

Just dropped my husband off to the airport. He is travelling to Spain and making a little holiday by extending his business trip a bit.
Am super happy and excited for him. But a part of me is simply wondering what to do with myself now for the next few days. Hehe
Most likely I am going to take the time to work on myself. The last few days have been busy as hell and I haven’t been able to meditate or workout at all.
Which I need to do now. And probably work on my body issues which are back with a vengence. That is the thing. When you start shining a light on your ego’s mischief, it hides and sneaks up on you. Just a week ago I promised myself to work on accepting and loving myself fully. And wham bam! Sneak attack!
Frankly am getting sick of this. Its time for it to go.
Actually its not just body issues that have suddenly cropped up. Am having trouble keeping a mindset of abundance going.
Well here is to five days of me facing my ego down and taking the time to release a lot of junk!
Wish me luck!

Loving my body, and the complication with it.

Posted on by strongernow

Momoseita’s blog post on loving myself is just what I needed to see.

This is resounding with me majorly just now.
I have worked out too hard and my legs have been partially cramped for two days now. I know I need to take it easy on my body, this wonderful body that I have abused in unconsciousness, often trying to make it fit into an ideal that someone else has decided on.
But looking at my stomach today, I was actually considering a strong HIIT workout.
Then something in me asked, “Do I love me, my body?”
I checked in with each part, and yes, everything but my stomach.
Then I considered why I was withholding love from my stomach area. (I think a lot of people do not like their stomachs, well, at least the way they look.)
The answer was because it did not look ‘perfect’. My stomach looked ‘perfect’ back in school and college, in fact till recent years. Until in my pain and unconscious state, the abuse I was putting it through took its toll. The stress eating, too many beers, too much smoking, too much of crutches to hide from, rather than deal with the discomfort.
I have adopted a healthier life, but it is turning into an abuse of its own.
I miss a workout, I beat myself up about it, I snack on food with tons of guilt, (a box of popcorn at the rare movie, has me in the blues for days!), I am constantly looking at protein and carb values.
Not that these actions are bad, but that they have turned into fuel for my ego to find more fault with myself. As I am.

Today, I choose to honor and love my body. To treat it kindly.

When I first made the affirmation, my mind automatically went.. “Ya Ya, let yourself go. Become a blob.”

Since when did loving my body mean letting myself go? Why can it not mean I nourish it with what is good, without guilt about it, and workout to push it to its potential, to honor its strength and push it forward, as it is meant to go? 

Loving oneself is not about not pushing and not working. Loving anything is not about ‘letting it go’. That is a lazy kind of love.

Loving oneself and with kindness, is taking choices without guilt, without self inflicted punishment. It means paying attention to myself. It means asking for more from myself without destroying myself in the process. It is about loving my journey. It is about learning to communicate and respect all parts of me, physical, mental and emotional. It is about looking for a deeper level of understanding and loving kindness. 

We as a culture have associated growth as a process that has to be fueled with pain and suffering. The relentless master who pushed his students till they bleed and some. The tormented warrior who trains till he burns up or burns out. Yes, pain is needed as we know we are growing. But then, why is love considered a weak force in comparison?

In college, I worked out as I had anger issues. The stronger I got, the more in control I felt, well.. maybe not in control, but the more I felt that I could handle anything life decided to throw at me. The body happened unconsciously. My body saw I needed strength and power. And it gave me that. But I had asked correctly.

And that is what the media forgets to show… That the real reason these students or warriors workout is because they want to get more powerful and strong. (And often, they have a time limit to do it, or extremely dangerous circumstances that demand quick growth.)

Now, I workout because I still have the same motivation, to get stronger and more powerful. Mentally and physically. I workout because I am happy at the end of it, my body feels rejuvenated and I know it is a good way to ensure that I keep negativity at bay. But on some days I forget that the end goal is not to get the abs for the picture or the definition on my forearms. (And it is only on those days that suddenly my stomach starts to bulge, mind over matter anyone?)

It is about me. It is about loving myself enough to grow, but loving myself enough to ask that my journey is defined by the value I bring. Loving myself enough to know that how it looks isn’t the best guideline. 

Yes, I have made choices that have let to this state, and now I can choose to forgive myself for those choices. Now that I am more conscious than before, I can forgive myself for past actions that came from fear.

So I can now choose, why I want to workout. What is the purpose behind it? Today, my purpose is to give my body time to heal. Help it heal. So yoga to stretch out the legs and release the pain within. And a lot of Reiki.

Today, I am going to choose to bless what I eat. And start work at removing all the guilt associated. Today, I choose to see (and more importantly, feel) myself as a strong, powerful person with a body to match. A layer of fat on my abs does not detract from me. It does not change the fact I am a badass spiritual warrior! 🙂

Loving oneself does not mean that you are weak and unmotivated. It means that you accept where you are, and you plan where to go from there. That allows for healthier, happier, more long lasting changes and choices. Work from love, not from fear. There is no question which is the more powerful force in the real run.

New days and new patterns

Posted on by strongernow

Now that I am no longer sitting in one place for 8 hours a day, its taking a conscious amount of work to remember my blog, writing, practicing my spanish etc etc.
Am in awe of the power of habits. And luckily over time I have figured out the basics of habits.
So no matter what.. even if my timings are more fluid and changeable, my yoga and meditation gets done first thing as well as my chanting.
Blogging and writing is a different story. I need to be sitting in a place long enough to let the thoughts crystallise into a presentable form. Which has been a little tricky considering all the travelling I am doing. My solution for it… carry a notebook.
Right now my notebook looks like a 6 year old scrawled over it with strange combination of words and scribbles all over.
But it works. It works to get all of what is in my head into a fixed form on paper which then allows me to address it.
Through this process, I came to a realisation that the word ‘surrender’ has difficult connotations for me. It implies loss and failure for me. Not the blissful releasing of limitations that it was intended to be in my spiritual books. This is proving to be a huge block.
But through my writing I was guided to ‘let me in’. It makes me feel like the Universe is a living, loving force that wants me to allow it to help me. I can let the Universe in. Letting people and events into my life is something I am good at.
And it works. I will admit, there is such freedom in it. But of course, my ego backlash was tremendous. My body thermoregulator has been malfunctioning the last few days, that’s how ferociously my ego is fighting back. But things are settling and I am more at peace.
Once you start on a spiritual journey there is no turning back. The wheels have been set into motion and now the journey is kinda out of your hands. It makes more sense to just hang on, trust in the Universe or god or the force or whatever you may choose to name it and just enjoy the ride.
Today I am doing my reiki level 2 initiation. Am excited and nervous too. Here is to a new chapter in my journey! Have a wonderful day everyone.