Diagnosis and Freedom

Got my thyroid tests back today. I have sub-clinical hypothyroidism.

I had the same diagnosis a year and a half ago, but I chose to ignore that.

Instead I changed my diet, (I follow the Primal Diet) and to work out and to just push through the symptoms.

I love the primal diet, I lost the weight that had sneaked up on me over the years, (and all the bad eating and drinking habits), I have way more energy, I feel great.

But I didn’t still feel like myself. I still had fuzzy days and strange lapses in memory, and irritability.

Cut to now.

I still have Sub-Clinical Hypothyroidism. I mean, my TSH levels are lower than a year and a half ago, but are over the healthy spectrum.

And this time, I am not turning on my body for letting me down.

Yes, I live a healthy life, I eat right, I work out, I do everything.

But the one thing I do wrong, and have done wrong for years is to turn on myself, whenever I feel my body is letting me down. Like its a prized piece of machinery, that should always be on the go, and never break down or need servicing.

After over a month of being ill, and feeling like a pill-box, one would have thought that getting this diagnosis would be the last straw.

But it’s a liberation instead. I feel free.

I feel compassion for this body of mine, which takes me through my days and my life.

This body, which supports me everyday and all the time, even when I am not treating it right.

When I would be angry, I would run, or workout, until the physical pain drowned out the emotional pain.

When deadlines were near, and things had to be done, I would abuse it with way too much coffee and nicotine.

Spent too many nights trying to deal with insomnia and sleep apnea by putting down too much wine, than needed. Overloaded on the pizzas and the fast foods during exam time and when I was too lazy to cook.

My body has taken me through all of it. Without meaning to, by just taking it for granted and expecting it to never let me down, I let my body down.

It’s ironic… I used to spend so much time feeling taken for granted by other people, feeling the pressure of always succeeding, never letting them down… I didn’t realize I was treating my body the way I felt was being treated by others…

But this has been an eye-opener. I need to treat myself better. I need to be good to myself and kind to my body. Appreciative of my body and what all it does for me. Appreciation for the gift I have in my body.

Am hopeful about what is to come. I will have to take medication, but if in taking a tablet or two a day, I find myself again, where I am feeling like I am content and complete in myself again, then it is something I am happy with. If this is what I need to honor my body, this is what my body needs from me, then I will give it happily and joyfully.